Author: Josh Witten

http://www.thefinchandpea.com

Bruce the Shark

In the spirit of Whose Line is It Anyway?, these lyrics were composed on the fly in response to The Frogger requesting, “Daddy, sing a song about a shark.” Not knowing any songs about sharks, I found myself inspired by the opening scene of Jaws.

BRUCE THE SHARK

*Sung to the tune of “Lily the Pink” as arranged and performed by Dirty Dishes.

Here’s a story, a little bit gory,
A little bit happy, a little bit sad,
About Bru-uce the-e Shar-ark
And how he bit my leg in HALF!

CHORUS
And we’ll drink, we’ll drink, we’ll drink
To Bruce the Shark, the Shark, the Shark
The greatest hunter in the sea-ea-ea
He used his pointy tee-eeth
To bi-ite into me. Continue reading “Bruce the Shark”

Wickedly Rational or Spiteful (Cinde-really? Part 3)

Traditionally, fairy tales are short, fitting neatly into the brief time twixt bath and bed, where they induce nightmares about witches who eat children. In order to achieve this, fairy tales often dispense with time consuming things like character development, complex plot twists, and, you know, having things make sense. We do not need to know why the Evil Queen in Snow White is obsessed with being the “fairest of them all” (childhood beauty pageants?), we simply need to know that she is evil.

When one decides, however, to use a much beloved fairy tale to generate a cash cow, feature length film (BIPITI-BOPITI-BOO!) without having to bother with developing your own plot, one has an obligation to fill a few of those extra minutes with some depth of character.

After all, compelling villains are plausible villains. Good villains (er?) have a reason for villainy. They do not just enjoy being evil for the sake of being evil[1].

Which makes me wonder, why did the Wicked Stepmother choose to imprison Cinderella during The Great Slipper Test? Continue reading “Wickedly Rational or Spiteful (Cinde-really? Part 3)”

Rapture insurance

This is a scam of which I actually did think, but seem to lack the lack of moral fiber required to implement it (who knew?). It goes something like this:

When you are raptured (rupture?, hanged/hung?) and your vehicle becomes pilotless, that vehicle instantly becomes a hazard to everyone around it and virtually guaranteed to cause an accident. While the poor bastards your vehicle will certainly mow down are not saved, failing to take financial responsibility for the injuries and damage caused by your unguided property is hardly the Christian thing to do.

Being a responsible citizen, I know you carry a reasonable and legal amount of automobile insurance. Unfortunately, your regular insurance will not cover these damages as the Rapture is, by definition, an Act of God.

Therefore, we are offering “Rapture Insurance” to provide generous compensation to those injured in body or property when you are taken up into the heavens in the middle of your commute at reasonable premiums based on the latest actuarial data.

*I take no responsibility for any scallywags that actually try to implement this scam. Unless they give me a cut.

Men of a certain age

The problem with men of a certain age is not that they have flaws. We all have flaws. The problem is that so many of them have the same flaw.

In related news, see the new “Rugbyologism”: meh-sogynist.

MythBusters

Essentially.